Mutiny at the Battlers

It's off-season at the Aussie Battlers. A time for contract renegotiations and roster cuts. We've learned from a team source that there is growing concern that the organization is facing a possible player mutiny.

"A lot of players have been asking for more money and more game time," the team source said. "From what I've gathered, the players are generally happy with owner/GM GG Eden, but are looking at greener pastures elsewhere. More money and limelight to feed their daliance for easy women, narcotics, and bling. While other players are more concerned about being perennial back-ups on a team loaded with unbenchable talent."

The team source further elaborated that there could well be a mass walkout even though all contracts are currently being renegotiated at top shelf dollar values.

"When Mr Eden bought the team, the first course of action was in setting up stadium construction. All players were signed on a one-year minimum salary in lieu of being rewarded with multi-year, multi-million dollar contracts pending player performance. While all the players were in full accord with this, the truth is the GLB World League is a 'what have you done for me lately' league. There is a clear division inside the Battlers, with many focused towards the long-term plans of the team and others out for a quick buck or their own team in a new league."

We do not have any names of the rumored mutineers, but we suspect that Edward Tinker may be involved. There are even rumors that the whole DB unit, which are the star players and main strength of the Battlers team, are the catalysts of the division within the team.

Influenza > Battlers

Not content with destroying the Battlers playoffs hopes and off-season transaction woes, the Battlers are now facing a team-wide battle with the flu. So bad is it that everyone from owner to coaches to half the playing roster have been struck down just days away from the season opener.

It's rumored that the bug originated from star running back, Mark Larson who recently returned from a holiday in the Peloponnesian Islands with his entourage of groupies and hanger-ons. Offensive Co-Ordinator, Johnny Southern, has expressed his frustration with Larson by recently stating his interest in the team acquiring a power running back.

"Larson did some great things for us last season coming off the bench on situational plays, but we're looking to employ a smash-mouth gameplan for the upcoming season and may be interested in off-loading Larson and the media circus that surrounds him."

However, owner/GM, GG Eden has infuriated Southern's demands by indulging in trade talks for a finesse back with receiving skills in Jason Hayden, from the Thunder Bay Storm. There have been murmors from team sources that Mr Eden and his coaching staff were not seeing eye-to-eye in the latter half of last season, and that it has continued this off-season.

Something to remember is that Mr Eden loves to stir controversy and differences of opinion with his coaching staff as a way to get the most out of them. So this is another issue that is worth keeping an eye on in a Battlers organization riddled with breaking news and inner turmoil.

The Iceman Cometh

Australian Cricket legend and proclaimed 'iceman', Steve Waugh, has been seen visiting the Battlers headquarters over the weekend. We learned that Waugh had accepted an invitation from team owner, GG Eden, to come speak with the troops and instil some much needed morale after the heart-breaking playoff loss and the merry-go-round of controversy through the off-season.

When asked about how the idea of hiring Steve Waugh as a motivational speaker came about, Eden laughed, "It's an interesting story. I was doing some shopping at the local mall when I literally bumped into Steve and his young family. We had a brief chat and exchanged phone numbers. Well, I was driving back home soon after and it dawned on me that if anyone could save the Battlers, it would be Steve. I said to myself that I'd call him as soon as I got home, but just then my phone rang and it was Steve! He basically said the same thing, how he'd been driving back and realized he could help the team. He told me, 'I'm Mr Baggy Green, Mr Fix it. The Battlers have been through hell and I will bring them back. Give me an hour with your team, Mr Eden, that's all I ask.'"

It's not known exactly what Steve Waugh told the players and coaching staff during their one hour private meeting, but starting running back, T.C. Clisma (pictured with Waugh after the meeting), has said that Steve's passionate words and competitive spirit "Bristled the hairs on my neck."

Bombshell Busts Battlers Bunker

After weeks of speculation regarding team captain Harry Hood's status with the Battlers, it has just emerged in media centers around the world that Harry Hood and Edward Tinker are in fact biological brothers, and that Hood has terminated his contract in order to join forces with Tinker and the network of teams that Tinker's agency provides with playing talent.

We hear that team owner GG Eden had called Hood into his office on several occasions to negotiate a contract only to have Hood reject the offer each time more money was factored in. Finally, after the fourth contract rejection, a team source has said that Hood couldn't stomach the guilt anymore, breaking down tearfully in Eden's office.

A team source said, "Breaking down, Harry spoke at length about his respect and admiration for the Battlers, for Mr Eden. Hood revealed that when Eden originally bought the team mid-season, Hood was under contract from the previous owner, and was always planning to walk out this off-season when the contract expired...until he fell in love with the Battlers organization, the team owner, coaches, and playing roster. Their parting was amicable, with both men sharing a tissue and a box of chocolates."

When asked about the scandal, and the revelation that the GLB anti-tampering laws had been broken, GG Eden made a brief statement recently, saying, "There will be no complaints made to GLB Commissioner Bert Bort. Who am I to stand in the way of brotherly love? I was a better man for having Hood on the team. But I'm a little angry with Tinker....he still owes me a Rolex watch."

The Battlers Strong Safety position is expected to be an open and even three-horse race between Jake Hammer, El Guago Gringos, and Lewis Hamilton.

Boom Crash Opera

After a period of intense inwards reflection after the devastating 19-7 loss to the Cougars in the playoffs last season, TE Sven Svennson vowed to come back as a stronger more devastating player for the Aussie Battlers.

During mad Monday celebrations, Sven bemoaned the fact that he'd only received 7 snaps in the game and that he felt he'd let the team down by not being in the sort of physical shape the team had demanded.

"I just wasn't ready for the Pro-League last season," Sven was quoted, after the team's huge 44-10 win over the Shanghai Shaolin Monks. "I thought the team needed a power blocking tight end, so my focus during the off-season was to strengthen my game in all the power areas."

"After endless sessions in the gym, I had an intensive 2 week training session with mentor, and ex-NRL superstar, Steve 'Blocker' Roach, who taught me the "Swedish sidestep."

"It's a pretty devastating move if you pull it off right, and by the looks of the tape , Free Safety Devon Sanders felt the full affects of the move."

"It looks like I'm going to jink right, but my only intention is to run straight at the would-be tackler, bulldoze through them, and head to the end zone."

The result of the play, a simple 7 yard pass, was a 52 yard touchdown, with Devon Sanders viewing the touch down whilst still on the ground. "It felt like I'd been hit by a wrecking ball," was all Sanders could say after the game.

Svennson vowed to use the move again. "It's all about putting fear into the mindset of the opposition," he said, on his way to the hot tub after the game. There was no sighting of Mitch Leinart either. Business as usual for the Battlers with all eyes on the Championship prize.